His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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