when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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