there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
