I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
