I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
