My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Are these your boobs on my camera?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
