This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
