Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
