i wish starbucks made bloody marys
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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