Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
