he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
