The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
