Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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