why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
