I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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