I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
