Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Pants are for mortals
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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