Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
