we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
