You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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