I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?
I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her
Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
