whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
