Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
