im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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