Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
