Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
