census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
