I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
