It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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