We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
