I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
