Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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