I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
