I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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