I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
