I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
