you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.