I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
