Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
