I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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