You can't motorboat a personality
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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