I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
