I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
