addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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