If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
