Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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