That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
