when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
