Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
