Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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