If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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