Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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