You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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