I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
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