my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
