fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
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