If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i can't believe i had my finger in that
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
