I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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