At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
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I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
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One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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