You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
