I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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